Lifestyle

Dehydrated: Surviving a one-night-stand (the awkward girl’s guide)

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According to a (fairly) recent survey, just over half of us (51%) have never a one night stand. Can’t really say they’re missing out; waking up next to someone you literally have no knowledge of meeting, naked as the day you were born, apologising and asking if you could use their loo so you can wipe yourself down and climb out the window is no-one’s idea of ‘the dream’, is it?

What’s the etiquette? Is it weird to expect them to make you breakfast? It wasn’t weird for you to be swapping genital fluids in the night, why would they be so funny about making you bacon and eggs the next day? Do you call each other? Acknowledge each other in the street? Why isn’t there a rulebook for the socially awkward one night stand?

After looking for one practically everywhere (well, on The Debrief) and not finding anything, I’ve decided to write one myself for all the other socially awkward girls out there. God knows I needed one, so here’s one for the rest of you whose social skills fail to function adequately.

Bear in mind, I’m not drawing from a wealth of experience here. In fact, I’ve secretly prided myself on only having had the one one-night stand over the course of my twenty-one years. I tell myself that it’s because I’m a classy, independent woman that’s 0792good4u and boys are too intimidated to come up to me in bars, when really I know it’s because I look like Garth from Wayne’s World and have a really obnoxious laugh when I’m drunk is why I’m not chatted up on social occasions.

So here it is – a five point plan on how to get through a one night stand when you have social skills as poor as mine:

1. Be 100% sure you want to go home with this person.
An obvious one, you’d think, but imagine how much thicker your bedpost would be if you had a glass of water and sat quietly for ten minutes instead of rushing home with the first person who approaches you. ‘Grab somebody sexy tell them hey’ is the title of the regretful one night stand’s manifesto. Grab a glass of water and tell them nay, or at the very least, tell them you’ll think about it. Even if you’re in no rush to get married and have their babies, don’t get lost in the excitement of the moment and lower your standards to below absolute zero.

2. Ask yourself: Have they earnt the right to sleep with you?
Just because you’re not necessarily looking for Mr. Right, doesn’t mean you have to settle for Mr. Right Now. Have they made some effort with you beforehand, or have they just got pissed and lunged at the end of the night? (though to be honest, that’s my usual technique, not going to lie)
A personal low of mine: the boy I had set my sights on asked me to ‘sell myself’ to him, as if this was some sort of greasy car compound desperately trying to foist him with an unwanted Fiat Punto, when in reality I was a Lamborghini and he couldn’t afford to ride me anyway.

3. Be generally polite: to them and about their surroundings*
Congratulations; you’ve pulled, and you’re going back to their room, which may give you a few indicators as to what they’re really like as a person. Be warned, however; that cool, calm and collected exterior at the club may be hiding the complete collection of Pokemon badges hanging up on their wall, Captain America bed sheets and (the absolute worst) a pair of fucking well-worn Crocs. Still want to have sex with them? Then maybe don’t comment on their eclectic tastes (and don’t tell them their Guardians of the Galaxy poster is shit, even though it so obviously is).

Also; check out their bathrooms. A shampoo graveyard next to their shower, proud skidmarks sitting upright on their toilet bowl and cans of Relentless knocking about should flash up some warning signs, which brings me onto my next point…

(*as a side note, there is a time and place to be polite about them. Telling them midway through that their hair smells really nice, and you can speak Punjabi, is a little bit weird and won’t go down well.)

4. Use a condom
And this isn’t just to protect against STD’s and pregnancy; anyone who leaves half-empty cans of Relentless in their bathroom definitely doesn’t thoroughly wash their penis: your kidneys will thank me for sparing them from an aggressive UTI.

5. If things are going south – plan your exit
With your makeup wipes seemingly a long way away, it might just be best to call a taxi and scarper without his tail between your legs. Because, let’s face it, you really don’t want to have to cuddle up with someone whilst hearing their thoughts on ‘Man of Steel’. And as for seeing them outside the bedroom? If things go well, you like them and you wish to pursue something (whatever that may be), then go for it. If not, then frogmarch your feet across the road and keep walking – just save yourself and them the embarrassment. After all, some of us just can’t always overlook a pair of Crocs by the bed.

 

Words by Kim Bond

Aminah Khan is your Editor-in-Chief

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